For Sister Butterfly, being a big sister is lot like a bowl full of Halloween candy: some bits are wonderfully sweet, and others (the Tootsie Rolls obviously) she'd take a pass. She really is a loving and helpful big sis. She's the first to grab me a diaper, and loves to show the baby all the good things in life like light switches and pancakes. Lately she's been inviting him to play peek-a-boo, which gives Brother Butterfly so many giggles that he ends up hiccuping until nap time. Watching those two can feel like pure bliss for this mama.
The Tootsie Roll parts (ick) of sisterhood, mostly, is sharing toys. I can almost read her thoughts: this baby has turned my world upside down, and I'm a loving big sis, so who cares if I steal a few toys from him? He can just crawl to another one.
There's something that seems so unfair when you observe an older child taking a toy from a baby. And it really used to irk me. Surprisingly, and thanks to Magda Gerber for her wise advise, I'm becoming more okay with it, and I'm intervening much less. I'm discovering that taking and offering toys has become the rhythm of their play. It's almost like an ongoing experiment for both children: they are both learning about their own impulses, their relationship with one another, and how to problem solve. I feel like intervening too much would hinder all of that. So instead of shaming one child, and making the other a victim, or setting time limits for toys, I'm trying a gentler approach: "Brother Butterfly had the ball and now Sister Butterfly has it," or "Hmmm... you've taken a few toys today, what else could you have done?" and "I see your hands reaching toward your sister."
But above all else, waiting to see how the children work it out themselves has been paramount for us. I'm finding that 9/10 times, Sister Butterfly offers the toy back without being asked, or Brother Butterfly grumbles for a moment, and moves on to another toy that he looks delighted with. Our playtimes feel more calm, less judgy, and I'm in both kids corners without being a referee.
I'm curious, what works for you with toy taking? Is it a big deal for you as a parent or not so much?
2 comments:
Haha..that's such a sweet post. Actually, when I see Siddhartha playing with smaller kids, Sid tends to get too bossy and grans toys from the younger ones. I found it irksome as you said and that few hours was mentally straining in having to always have an eye around to ensure he doesn't go to the extent to make the smaller kids cry. I have also come across instances where he gets bullied or ignored by older kids sometimes. The way Sid manages has been quite interesting to see. He doesn't take it personal and moves on to the next thing or just goes behind them and has fun imitating the older ones.
Gradually, I noticed in the subsequent visits the kids younger than him becomes a little stronger as they grow up. They get almost equal to Sid and they are learning their way out. Seeing this whole thing in a different perspective, isn't what the grown ups face too? The more powerful one tries to boss the weaker one. The weaker one still manages to gets it way around. Aha..and we all co-exist together in the same system!
Thanks for sharing Shalini! You seem to observe it the same way I do - most of the time kids don't take it personal and move on to the next thing. Watching Sid imitate older kids must be really fun for you to watch. :) I definitely see your point that adults have similar power struggles too - and the "weaker" eventually learns how to manage the situation. I've had my fair share of these experiences too - ha! Sid was so cute at the Diwali party and wishing him a happy 3rd birthday!!
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