On Days Your Kids Wrestle On The High Beam

The sun was shining warm and bright at the park, and I was snacking on cookies (what else?) while watching both kids play on a familiar neighborhood playground. It's blissful situations like these that lead to daydreaming for me, and I'm swept away in mapping out weekend plans or a funny story in my head. Does this happen to anyone else?

Moments later I notice both of my children straight up wrestling on a beam about four feet off the ground, leading up to a water spout. I've seen them both cautiously crawl up and down this beam in the past - but now they were both standing up and red-faced, hands intertwined, trying to be first to get to the spout, WWE style.

<cue me swallowing my cookie nearly whole trying to stifle phrases like, "you're going to FALLLL!!!">

I find that the last thing you say is usually what happens. 

With not a full run, but with momentum I got close and gently but firmly held them both and said as unruffled as possible, "I see you both want to get to the water spout first - but fighting up here isn't safe."

"Mama! Brother had his turn! Now it's mine! Get off Brother, get OFF!" Sister Butterfly cried out.
"Mine, mine, mine, mine...." Brother Butterly chimed in, mimiking her intensity. 

They continued arguing and I felt I couldn't keep them safe and connect with them. I think it's also okay to admit what you're feeling too - in this case, I was worried about them falling. 

"I'm going to take you both down because this isn't working. I'm feeling worried you may fall." I took them both down, and kneeled and looked at the in their eyes, "the sand and swings are open, or I wonder if you two can brainstorm a way to use the water spout safely...?"

In situations like these, their safety comes first, but I will allow them a chance to work the problem out once they are safe. I also don't allow any hitting or hurting one another, and will block these as best I can, saying phrases like, "I won't let you hit, yes I see you're upset..." 

They both begged me to go back on the beam, and Sister Butterfly announced that she would let Brother Butterfly climb up first to the spout, but that means he has to pour all the water for her sand castle. They both seemed happy with this plan and tried it out for the next 15 minutes with success. 

I always appreciate their own problem solving on situations like these, and will allow them a chance to work it out, even if the solution is not what I had in mind. I do the same with toy taking, because there are some BIG benefits for allowing them to work out toy struggles with you supporting them close by (Here are 4 benefits!).  

I can't help bit feel like letting children take the lead in their own disagreements is self-care for my needs as a person as well. 

Our weekend was spent without playgrounds and city life, and in the Redwoods because that balance is always appreciated by all, and everyone sleeps better that night. I just finished Last Child In the Woods in my book club, and found it fascinating that there are so many healing benefits to unstructured play in nature. Have you read it? 

PS - We just returned from the happiest week long trip to San Diego with my parents, which included a trip to a Discovery Museum located on a lagoon! I left feeling refreshed from sleeping in and homemade dinners I remembered from childhood. Thanks, Mom and Dad! 

I'd love to know, what do playground and toy struggles and solutions look like with your family? How much intervention do you find beneficial for both your children and yourself?

On Child and Mother Milestones

It is through classes and books written by child education expert Magda Gerber, that I learned that babies develop at their own pace, and there is no need to rush them through developmental milestones. Instead, she encourages parents to enjoy the present, and discover what babies CAN DO in the moment rather than motivating them to do more. She said, "Why do we care so much how soon children achieve developmental milestones? Why do many of us want our children to achieve them as early as possible? Pressure damages a child's delicate self-confidence by telling her, 'Be other than what you are.'" 

It was such a joy to lay my children as babies simply on their backs (no baby equipment needed!), the most comfortable and relaxed position for a baby, and allow them to move freely while I sat next to them. Sometimes they'd gaze out the window for awhile, or play with their hands in the sunshine, or reach for a nearby toy. As they felt ready, they intrinsically wanted to roll over, crawl, and eventually walk. There was no need to encourage them to "come to Mommy" or awkwardly walk them around the house to practice. It was so much simpler to remember that "they do what they can do and don't withhold skills. They learn to trust their bodies and minds when allowed to develop confidence in them through trial and error."

Even now, as 5 year old Sister Butterfly finishes her last year of pre-school, I try my best to honor her as a whole person and there is no rush to learn as quickly as possible. These days, her developmental milestones includes learning some academics like numbers and letters, but also taking a family nature walk with more joy and knowledge about what she observes in nature, "That's a Eucalyptus Tree, mama. Smell the leaves! They are good for colds. But Redwood Trees are my favorite."

Nearly 2 year old Brother Butterfly has shown a lot of interest in "potty learning" and has led the way with support from us, but without any pressure, rewards or punishments. He's quite proud of himself. He also laughs at a good joke and said the word, "l...l...lion" as we read The Lion and The Mouse last night. Oh yes, I'm certainly enjoying both children exactly as they are, and the payoff of child-led milestones is wonderful for us all.

I wonder, as parents, if we could relax more about our own milestones, without the pressure and rewards and punishments we put on ourselves to learn parenting as fast as we can. Just the other day, I scolded myself for not being closer to Brother Butterfly when he licked paint off of his paintbrush like a lollipop. "What kind of mother lets a 1 year old paint unsupervised? I've parented for 5 years, I should know better," I said to myself as I dialed poison control staring in dismay at his green stained smiling lips (apparently, eating a little paint is no big deal, as long as you don't mind paint colored poop). 

Perhaps, as mothers, there is no need to be frustrated with ourselves or worried we aren't learning quickly enough. Even if we mess up, or never quite seem to handle something the way we wanted to, we'll get there eventually in our own time and in our own way. Let's allow ourselves to learn at our own pace and feel the joy in what we CAN DO. Since most mamas I meet have the powers of Wonder Woman - and are also creative, educated, loving, and intentional in their relationships with their children, my guess is that who you are is an accomplishment already. 

"All children accomplish milestones in their own way, in their own time."  - Magda Gerber 

On Enjoying The View

This New Year my family - including my mother and father in-law - walked along the coast at sunset and enjoyed the most gorgeous view. Sister Butterfly's shining pink cape flapped in the breeze as she charged bravely ahead on the trail - her bug net swishing back and forth in the air. Brother Butterly walked hand and hand with his Aya, and beamed with pride that at least for some of the way, he didn't want his stroller. My love and I walked with our hands intertwined, chuckling as we chatted quietly down the path. We all agreed that it was a refreshing way to start 2018, with smiles on our faces and a dreamy look in our eyes. 

Stunning pink sunsets by the ocean really feel like magic. Yet, I don't have to wait for special outings like these to truly enjoy the view. Just the other day, I was cleaning up our back patio, when I noticed both children had brought out all of my handkerchiefs. I sat down to observe, tired from sweeping away sand, and discovered that they were imagining a snowstorm outside. They needed to keep warm in their playhouse to wait it out, and only the "finest silk scarves could truly protect them." Their interactions were so thoughtful and earnest - I sat and enjoyed the view without interfering (although, I noticed later that one handkerchief was a family heirloom - eeks!). 

These simple, slow days when my children choose their own play are my favorite times to enjoy the view. Brother Butterfly racing his truck along the ground with more speed than yesterday and Sister Butterfly singing a song while she colors in the kitchen feel just as magical as any pink sunset. While teaching games and guiding children is fine on some days, sitting nearby without distractions and enjoying the view has brought me much more joy and connection. Best of all, my children feel accepted, understood, and loved for exactly who they are, and what they are intrinsically inspired to do. I'll admit, I also enjoy these long stretches of time sitting with a cup of coffee while my children play independently because it honors my needs as a parent.  

I'd love to know, when is your favorite time to "enjoy the view" with your children? 

"Observe more, do less, enjoy most!" - Magda Gerber